it’s hard to fall asleep when you know that the only thing waiting is a nightmare.
today i realized something funny. hilarious, really. my entire childhood i was the best i could be. the most well behaved and rule abiding kid. i did what i was told and i always did my best because i ever so afraid of disappointing and angering my family. as hard as i tried i still managed to piss them off or fall short of their expectations. they would tear me down and tell me how terrible i was. so i tried harder. i didn’t want to be terrible things. i did better than the best. it didn’t help. and now i”m all grown up and i don’t know how to break a rule. the very idea terrifies me. and guess what? my family still doesn’t like me. it seems no one does. i’m too prudish and boring and tame. for them and everyone else. i became exactly what they wanted me to be but now they want something else. and me? i just want out.
sometimes i wonder if my friends even like me.
one of my favorite movies of all time. today also just happens to be 72 degrees outside.
it’s a saddening maddening world.
just saw this on the telly. i’m crying. i’m crying so hard.