maybe i am the tragedy. not you, not us, just me.
i’m making progress. no longer putty in your hands. no longer dreaming about what i cant have. i am good at accepting, and i have accepted. all if it. i am still achingly fond of you, beautiful one, but i am not waiting or wanting any longer. you are my friend, and that means the world to me. i need and want nothing more. thank you for everything, you.
does it hurt because i’m ridiculous? or does it hurt because i’m right?
i don’t really know who ruined everything. it could have been you. it was probably me. or maybe it is just the natural way of things. but if it was you? a choice you made? a fondness you lost or left or decided against? then i want you know i have given up. there were dreams and wishes and wants inside of me i knew i shouldn’t have. things you told me to let go of. i have. i will not fight for you, pretty. i will not fight you. there is no way in this world i can make you want me. but i can stop wanting you. and so i will. thank you for all the beautiful moments. i will cherish them. you were the first person to really make me feel again. and despite the pain it causes now, i appreciate that to no end. i wish for you only happiness. i hope one day our friendship can be as it was before. one day, pretty. one day.
i asked for a tragedy. i got it.
how can i pretend nothing happened when i can’t stop thinking about it? when i can’t think of you without seeing the way you tilted your head and smiled? when i can’t think about yesterday without replaying the scenes in my head? i didn’t want you to stop. i didn’t want last night to end. i liked that you weren’t sorry. because neither was i. but the guilt is overwhelming. it is drowning me. because it shouldn’t have happened at all. it’s not fair to anyone. not her, not me. i’m ashamed and disappointed in my joy. i’m disgusted by how long it took me to remember that it was wrong. and at the same time i wish i hadn’t remembered at all. i don’t know how you are doing it. pretending it never happened. putting it behind you. going back to normal. how do you forget like that? i couldn’t forget the warmth of your hands if i wanted to, and i don’t want to. i’m holding on to an experience that was wondrous to me, but also brings me shame and pain. i can’t have you. you can’t have me. not like this. not right now. and probably not ever. i know i’m not worth it. i’m not worth turning your world upside down, and i would never ask you to. but to add to the guilt? i want you to. i want to do it again, but i want it to be allowed this time. i want it to be allowed every time. i want to have you and be yours. but it won’t happen. i wish it didn’t matter to me. i wish i had the magical switch you seem to have. i wish i wasn’t absolutely crazy about you. i wish.
i’m so confused. i’m so torn. i don’t know what to do or say. i know what i want, but i also know i can’t have it. how do i do this? what do i do? and how do i get through it without talking to you? wanting to talk to you about you. oh, the irony. i can’t lose you, but i can’t let this happen again. i don’t think i could take it. i wish i was strong like you. i wish i could just put it behind me and move forward and pretend it never happened. but i can’t do that. i wish i could but i don’t know how.